In Remembrance

Of my father.....Michael J Czuprynski...he was born on 10/22 and died on 10/21 when he was 63. It's been a long health battle for him...7 years of decay I guess...going from the man he was to the man he hated being I think...weak and sick all the time. And in the end he still had one last surprise for us- his official cause of death was actually lung cancer...something NONE of us knew he had although my stepmom and myself had speculated at his wake.

The single most thing I could have done for him was bring him home...he was near family when he finally passed away. And the best thing we did at the wake was have it teeming in photos...I realized as Carole helped me go through photos that I came by my camera and photo obsession honestly ;) Anyway when you walked in there was a frame my Aunt had put together for us. And behind that table was an organ that we rested 1 of 2 photo boards on (those french memo boards?) and when you walked up I had taken 3 old windows and put the photos behind it in a collage (I'll take pics..I promise) and it was a glimpse into his life through all his years..from childhood through to the end. On the end tables around the room we had photos in frames..the ONLY photo I have of Dad with AnnaGrace was in one of these. And then his coast guard photo on his coffin with a framed photo of the last time we as a family stood in a picture- at Dave's wedding. It was beautiful..especially since it was a closed casket.

I wasn't prepared for how much his death would sap me of my energy..I still find myself crying throughout the day and have little to NO patience for people in petty fights with their parents...part of me wants to scream how senseless it is and to embrace those you hold dear.

I also thought today how interesting it is that we spend our whole lives waiting to be old enough to be on our own...and have little tantrums if our parents even *dare* to tell us how to live our lives but at some point we sit there in judgement of them. Who are we to say that how our parents choose to live - be it gambling, smoking, love life and so on when we don't allow them that same courtesy. We spend our teen years striving for the very independence we want to strip our parents of later in life.

I realize now how futile it was to ask my father to please stop smoking...he already had terminal lung cancer and hid that from all of us for TWO years. To beg him to come home...I wasted a PRECIOUS year not listening to the signs and fighting with a man already in a fight for his life. I think now and it's all so stinking clear ya know? I could have had a good few years with my father--instead I wasted it all on bitching and moaning...being sanctimonious...and to what end? My father is still dead and I feel I squandered that time we could have had. It's so easy to sit and say..I should have gone to visit more and call more and support him more. And yet in the end he knew that I would be there for him. I fought for over two months to get him home and to help manage his care. When his dementia made him so far gone he always remembered my phone number and me and turned to me. So I have that comfort at least.

If you still have your parents around...please I beg do not squander this time...no matter what our parents' life choices they still brought us into this world and irregardless of our feelings deserve our love and respect. Daddy....I'll miss you and know that I love you..I'm glad that you were able to be here for Dave's wedding and we got to spend time together before you passed away. I hope you will be watching out for me and our family from Heaven.

Love forever,
Felicia